Eglė Lukinaitė-Vaičiurgienė is a writer, psychologist, Gestalt psychotherapist, and mother of two daughters. Together with a colleague, she founded the family psychology studio Natural Motherhood and has written and published three books. We spoke with her about the importance of self-care for mothers.
Lately, there’s a lot of discussion about the emotional needs of pregnant women and new mothers. Psychologically, why is caring for one’s own body so important?
That’s a good question—and it actually feels like there’s still a lack of information and attention on emotional needs. In reality, I don’t see a big difference between bodily and emotional needs, because our emotions live in our bodies. By getting to know our bodies, paying attention to our feelings and needs, we get closer to ourselves, to self-awareness and self-acceptance. This process strengthens our self-regulation skills. Caring for your body is caring for yourself; caring for your emotions is caring for yourself; caring for your social needs is caring for yourself. Self-care is important so we can feel fulfilled, alive, happy, and capable. Only then can we truly care for others—our children included.
What advice would you give a new mother who wants to balance self-care with the needs of her newborn?
This is a tough question because a mother and her newborn are in such a close, symbiotic relationship—they almost function as one. For a while, a mother’s own needs can feel blurred or temporarily dissolved in the service of caring for her baby. Gradually, she will need to revive and reclaim her own needs. I recommend starting with noticing and naming what you’re missing at any given moment. We tend to generalize our needs, talking about something abstract like “me time.” But what does that mean for this particular mother on this particular Wednesday afternoon? What does that dream actually look like? Identifying and clarifying your needs is the first step. Then comes finding ways to meet them—in those situations, at that time, with the resources actually available to you.
Pregnancy and early motherhood are often described as liminal or transitional periods. How can pregnant women and new mothers navigate identity changes while preserving a sense of self?
I’m not sure it’s possible to “overcome” identity changes—they are part of life, like a Sisyphean task if you try to resist. They need to be lived, experienced, acknowledged, and digested. In doing so, the new role of a mother and these new experiences can be integrated into your sense of self, which is partly stable yet always changing. During pregnancy and early motherhood, change happens very quickly, which requires more intense integration. It’s no wonder mothers often feel scattered, carried away, and overwhelmed by a flood of emotions and experiences. The key is not to run from them. Allow yourself to feel, to share with others, and to listen to other people’s experiences—it helps you recognize what is yours and what isn’t. For me personally, writing helped immensely. Describing my multifaceted experience and diving into deep feelings helped me process and accept them. This led to two of my books, which can also guide readers through similar processes.
During this period, relationships with partners also shift. Can you give advice on maintaining emotional closeness while adapting to the new reality of parenthood?
We grow emotionally closer when we share how we feel, when we reveal what’s going on inside us. When we listen and try to understand the other person. When we can stay with the other’s feelings without reacting defensively—or share our own anxiety. That’s how we meet each other. Sometimes not in easy or pleasant moments, but still—we meet. And even just that makes things a little lighter.